I never got to be a kid, please help?

im 19. my parents built their house far away from any kind of civilization, as such my schools (and friends) were always at least a half hour to an hour drive away. my parents are antisocial and didnt want me to go the public school in my town. i was raised by christians and attended christian school k-12, and was homeschooled 6-8th (christian curriculum) , which seriously damaged my development. i kind of had friends in middleschool, but withdrawing me to be homeschooled took away what i had, and i almost never saw anyone for those 3 years. christian high school was devastating, the kids were mean, the rhetoric disgusting, and i laid awake crying almost every night. to this day i dont have a single friend, and have led and extremely lonely life. it weighs on me so heavily i find it difficult to be happy hanging out with my girlfriends friends, because i have nothing but jealousy and hatred toward people who got to go to normal school, or that got to grow up around neighbors. it makes me nauseous to think about, i still hold back tears when my girlfriend talks about happy memories with her friends or hangs out with them. its impossible not to think about, because whenever i see middleschoolers or teenagers walking around hanging out, or anything happens to remind me of the first 18 years of my life, it makes me want to cry. because of my loneliness i find it hard to sleep at night, and once i fall asleep my dreams invoke feelings of jealousy, anger, loneliness, hatred, and depression. and no, im not ugly, im not socially awkward, my parents are just not smart, and sabotaged my life. they dealt me cards that a child was unable to fix before it started to hurt. through my life, hanging out and doing stuff with people wasnt a priority as much as just getting a hug and feeling affection were. the fact that i only have one life weighs on my heavily, because now, no matter how happy i could be, almost 2 decades of my time here has caused me an incredible amount of heartache, i lost out on what should have been a happy period of my life. i fear it will never heal because i dont have a single happy memory to reflect on